Life just keeps throwing curveballs. Seriously I was never good at baseball so this needs to stop. I spend the last 2 years and especially the last 6 months doing anything and everything I can to move along in the work place and it gets thrown back in my face. Why do I keep trying? Why? I was the best candidate for the position and they know it, but apparently I'm too reserved and calm for them...really? What does that even mean? You would think in a high pressure situation someone who can stay calm would be a bonus but I guess not, and they want to see growth beyond the position. WTH? I was already doing the position from the position below so I guess I was supposed to be doing two positions above me? Whatever...its a paycheck and nothing more at this point.
Quite frankly its simply a means to do what I really love and that is skating and dancing :) If I could do that every day, I would be the happiest person on earth...there is just something magical about the wind in your face and the scrape of the blade across the ice that makes everything okay. And the smell of hairspray, the glitter and sparkles, and oh the feeling of flying around the ballroom is like a drug, I leave there feeling so high I can't get enough. How did I not discover this in college? We had a team after all...I just keep coming back for more and more, it's an odd hobby for someone my age that's for sure. But what girl doesn't love getting all dolled up and wearing sparkles all day? :) Not to mention getting whisked around by gorgeous foreign men...I mean come on now...
Yesterday was my competitive rhythm debut, that seems like an odd combo coming from me, the girl despite 15 years of musical experience always seriously lacked rhythm...this was so out of the ordinary for me but so awesome at the same time. I've always been the little adult in the room, always the mature one which is why I think smooth is typically more my style. But rhythm...I think I have my new love, internally I love it, the freedom to let loose and have fun, now I have to figure out how to consistently display that externally.
Videos never lie! At moments it was like you know gosh darn it, I might get this performing thing down and then other moments I started thinking and getting in my own head. As strange as this sounds, it might actually be more beneficial for me to NOT have a routine and just have to be in the moment. If I have a routine I want to do each step perfectly and exactly how it was practiced but that's never the way it works when it counts.
In all seriousness though, life could throw anything at me but as long as I have these two things in my life it will be okay. I don't know if it was the shock of it all or what but skating after getting that news made everything go away. I could get lost in my bubble and nothing could bother me, no one could tell me know, it was just me and the ice for two hours of living in another world. A world where I could be me and not have to worry about putting up yet another front.
"Do you remember why you skate, or has it been too long? Somewhere
behind the athlete you've become, behind the media and the hype, the
rankings and the records, the hours of practice, the pain and bruises,
the coaches who pushed you, there is a little girl who lived just for
that chance to skate. So, before you put on that dress tonight, remember
the little girl who put on her very first pair of skates, who fell in
love with this sport the say she touched the ice and never looked back.
Skate for her."
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Saturday, March 1, 2014
2 Months Down
--Work: Slowly learning despite what everyone in this town seems to think, there is more to life than that job..there is a reason they call it work. Come in, do the job, and then leave that bubble up on a hill for the real world. I love the people I work with, but CANNOT stand the people I work for..but I suppose that's all jobs right?
--Life: Slowly chipping away at the loan, not sure yet when I'll take the plunge and just pay the whole damn thing off.
--Exercise..I actually really like going to the gym..it is probably one of those things that helps get me out of the bubble. If it has been a rough day, rather than go eat a cookie, I'll take the frustration out on the elliptical. More or less I'm down there for almost an hour three times a week. Personal best pace so far..3.19 miles/33 minutes..or approx 10:20/mile. Related note, I have committed to taking photos of myself at the end of each month to monitor progress..not allow myself to get so caught up in a number. Don't know if I'll have the courage to do it, but I do own a bikini now...will have to see come summer if I decide to pull it off.
--Skating: Nationals is on hold till next year...this year is about testing and adding speed and strength to everything. I'm hoping to have lessons back home every couple months.
--Ballroom: I spend so much time worrying about saving money, paying off loans and being responsible...it's about time I pay myself first. Started private lessons again...I won't admit to anyone just how pricey they can be, but what price is my sanity? I really am in love with everything about it...yes that includes the teacher :) I would love for something to happen there, I really try and keep my cool, but it's hard...especially now in the privates, the only time we spend together is alone, just the two of us. He is so kind and considerate..and the conversations in the car are about anything and everything. My head says no, there's nothing, but my heart can't help but wonder..
This wraps the first chapter of 2014. Let's turn the page and see how the story unfolds...
--Life: Slowly chipping away at the loan, not sure yet when I'll take the plunge and just pay the whole damn thing off.
--Exercise..I actually really like going to the gym..it is probably one of those things that helps get me out of the bubble. If it has been a rough day, rather than go eat a cookie, I'll take the frustration out on the elliptical. More or less I'm down there for almost an hour three times a week. Personal best pace so far..3.19 miles/33 minutes..or approx 10:20/mile. Related note, I have committed to taking photos of myself at the end of each month to monitor progress..not allow myself to get so caught up in a number. Don't know if I'll have the courage to do it, but I do own a bikini now...will have to see come summer if I decide to pull it off.
--Skating: Nationals is on hold till next year...this year is about testing and adding speed and strength to everything. I'm hoping to have lessons back home every couple months.
--Ballroom: I spend so much time worrying about saving money, paying off loans and being responsible...it's about time I pay myself first. Started private lessons again...I won't admit to anyone just how pricey they can be, but what price is my sanity? I really am in love with everything about it...yes that includes the teacher :) I would love for something to happen there, I really try and keep my cool, but it's hard...especially now in the privates, the only time we spend together is alone, just the two of us. He is so kind and considerate..and the conversations in the car are about anything and everything. My head says no, there's nothing, but my heart can't help but wonder..
This wraps the first chapter of 2014. Let's turn the page and see how the story unfolds...
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Bring it on 2014!
So here it goes, by December 31, 2013 I want to:
--Work: Promoted to AP/Field work at WH and Capitol Hill
--Life: Reduce remaining student loans by a third/Maintain regular exercise routine/Lose 36 lbs
--Skating: Pass Prejuvenile moves and preliminary freestyle by April 2013/Pass Juvenile moves/Axel?/Compete three times
This will be my year. My year to take control and not let anything stop me. Comfortable and easy won't get me anywhere I have to fight for what I want and take that chance. That same chance I took 16 months ago when I moved down here not really sure what I was getting myself into. The status quo has got to go. No more accepting life as it comes, it's time for me to change it. There is no in between. No risk, no reward, so here it goes, bring it on 2013!
Here's last year's post for the New Year. Was I successful? Depends on how you measure success.
--Work: I have been doing AP work and I have gotten in the field. Was I promoted to AP? No not yet.
--Life: Student loans are almost down to 4 digits, is that a third? No probably not. But I can say yes on the regular exercise routine...now I feel bad if I don't make it to the gym.
--Skating: Took a bit of a back seat this year. And while yes I competed three times this year, two were skating and one was ballroom.
So here goes goals by December 31, 2014:
--Work: Find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to work the hours I do and the days I do. Something that makes the sacrifice worthwhile.
--Life: Eliminate the last student loan. Lofty goal yes, but definitely doable. Continue the regular exercise routine. Be active in my own life, don't let things pass by.
--Skating: I so want to compete at Adult Nationals if not 2014 definitely 2015..which is sort of a continuation of the previous statement, being active in my own life and actually take a vacation. The horrors I know! Find the passion again. Skate for the little girl in that magical moment who first stepped on the ice.
--Ballroom: This was my lifeline this past year. This was everything I needed but didn't know it at the time. It seems like such a strange thing..I crave control and I can't have any of that here. Yet it was so paradoxically perfect. Nothing was more perfect than a Tuesday night in the studio...what am I going to do now that they closed...
I sort of fell into the resolution trap last year even though I didn't mean too...this year is about living the best life. There really aren't tangible goals that can be written down to achieve that. It needs to be a year of living life for me and what I want..not what other people think I should be doing, being an active participant in this game of life.
This is my time and my story..."Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
--Work: Promoted to AP/Field work at WH and Capitol Hill
--Life: Reduce remaining student loans by a third/Maintain regular exercise routine/Lose 36 lbs
--Skating: Pass Prejuvenile moves and preliminary freestyle by April 2013/Pass Juvenile moves/Axel?/Compete three times
This will be my year. My year to take control and not let anything stop me. Comfortable and easy won't get me anywhere I have to fight for what I want and take that chance. That same chance I took 16 months ago when I moved down here not really sure what I was getting myself into. The status quo has got to go. No more accepting life as it comes, it's time for me to change it. There is no in between. No risk, no reward, so here it goes, bring it on 2013!
Here's last year's post for the New Year. Was I successful? Depends on how you measure success.
--Work: I have been doing AP work and I have gotten in the field. Was I promoted to AP? No not yet.
--Life: Student loans are almost down to 4 digits, is that a third? No probably not. But I can say yes on the regular exercise routine...now I feel bad if I don't make it to the gym.
--Skating: Took a bit of a back seat this year. And while yes I competed three times this year, two were skating and one was ballroom.
So here goes goals by December 31, 2014:
--Work: Find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to work the hours I do and the days I do. Something that makes the sacrifice worthwhile.
--Life: Eliminate the last student loan. Lofty goal yes, but definitely doable. Continue the regular exercise routine. Be active in my own life, don't let things pass by.
--Skating: I so want to compete at Adult Nationals if not 2014 definitely 2015..which is sort of a continuation of the previous statement, being active in my own life and actually take a vacation. The horrors I know! Find the passion again. Skate for the little girl in that magical moment who first stepped on the ice.
--Ballroom: This was my lifeline this past year. This was everything I needed but didn't know it at the time. It seems like such a strange thing..I crave control and I can't have any of that here. Yet it was so paradoxically perfect. Nothing was more perfect than a Tuesday night in the studio...what am I going to do now that they closed...
I sort of fell into the resolution trap last year even though I didn't mean too...this year is about living the best life. There really aren't tangible goals that can be written down to achieve that. It needs to be a year of living life for me and what I want..not what other people think I should be doing, being an active participant in this game of life.
This is my time and my story..."Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
Monday, November 25, 2013
Falling all over life
Work: Hot mess as usual. It has gotten to the point where I have started applying elsewhere. I really wish it didn't come to this point but I don't know how much longer I can deal with the complete dysfunction. It may be the same elsewhere but I feel like anywhere has to be better. I'm good enough to fill in, I'm good enough to train other people but I'm not good enough??? Why do I give up so much for nothing in return?
Skating:things seem to be ok. Hopefully I will get my act together for Nationals this year.
Other: since I can never seem to get weekends anymore might as well throw the extra money at the loan? Exercise seems to be part of the routine so at least there's that.
Ballroom: since the last time I actually competed!!! It was fantastic!!! I think I watched the video every night for like a week....if I could dance every day I would...it's the only place where I don't have to rely on doing every thing myself.I have learned how to put my full faith and trust in someone else and everything turned out ok...more than ok..fantastic!! 7 1st place ribbons and 1 2nd place. Honestly I get so much more out of it than just dancing. It opens me up to a whole world of feelings and emotions. Starting to think that there will not be anything between us but i can't help feeling the way i do....oh life why must you taunt me so??
Skating:things seem to be ok. Hopefully I will get my act together for Nationals this year.
Other: since I can never seem to get weekends anymore might as well throw the extra money at the loan? Exercise seems to be part of the routine so at least there's that.
Ballroom: since the last time I actually competed!!! It was fantastic!!! I think I watched the video every night for like a week....if I could dance every day I would...it's the only place where I don't have to rely on doing every thing myself.I have learned how to put my full faith and trust in someone else and everything turned out ok...more than ok..fantastic!! 7 1st place ribbons and 1 2nd place. Honestly I get so much more out of it than just dancing. It opens me up to a whole world of feelings and emotions. Starting to think that there will not be anything between us but i can't help feeling the way i do....oh life why must you taunt me so??
Sunday, September 22, 2013
August
QUOTE: "Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life."
Work: I get it. I really do. The first few years of a career are all about paying dues and all that. I've put in two solid years of dedication and commitment and right now it just feels like getting walked all over. I hold out this hope that things are finally going to be moving for me in November but right now that feels like a lifetime away.
Skating: Sort of taken a back seat for the moment unfortunately. I really need to get back on a regular basis. I think that is part of my moodiness, I really do.
Life: Still no trapeze but ballroom is taking off. I'm competing...what did I get myself into. I'm completely in love with it..and the teacher too..I've never felt like this about someone ever. The butterflies doing backflips when I talk to him, the feeling when I'm in his arms dancing...I wish I this would turn into something. Sometimes I think the feelings might be mutual but for the life of me cannot tell. I'm so bad at this.
Oh do I wish...I mean he is the perfect guy, anything and everything I could ever imagine. I want something to finally go my way, I want that happily ever after.
Work: I get it. I really do. The first few years of a career are all about paying dues and all that. I've put in two solid years of dedication and commitment and right now it just feels like getting walked all over. I hold out this hope that things are finally going to be moving for me in November but right now that feels like a lifetime away.
Skating: Sort of taken a back seat for the moment unfortunately. I really need to get back on a regular basis. I think that is part of my moodiness, I really do.
Life: Still no trapeze but ballroom is taking off. I'm competing...what did I get myself into. I'm completely in love with it..and the teacher too..I've never felt like this about someone ever. The butterflies doing backflips when I talk to him, the feeling when I'm in his arms dancing...I wish I this would turn into something. Sometimes I think the feelings might be mutual but for the life of me cannot tell. I'm so bad at this.
Oh do I wish...I mean he is the perfect guy, anything and everything I could ever imagine. I want something to finally go my way, I want that happily ever after.
Monday, July 1, 2013
June and July
Work
-on the verge of major breakthrough I just know it! Pretty awesome when the ultimate boss says "looks good". :)
Skating
-who knew...started landing flips, by themselves and in combination
-who knew...camel spins, by themselves and in combination
-everything else is definitely faster, higher, and stronger
-competition at the end of the month and hopefully a test late summer/early fall
Life
-student loans are under $12K, wohoo!
-no idea where the weight goal stands...and not entirely sure I care?
Out of the box
June: Took Latin dance with a world champion and Dancing with the Stars guest dancer...and it was fabulous!
July: Who knows...maybe I'll get this trapeze thing together?
-on the verge of major breakthrough I just know it! Pretty awesome when the ultimate boss says "looks good". :)
Skating
-who knew...started landing flips, by themselves and in combination
-who knew...camel spins, by themselves and in combination
-everything else is definitely faster, higher, and stronger
-competition at the end of the month and hopefully a test late summer/early fall
Life
-student loans are under $12K, wohoo!
-no idea where the weight goal stands...and not entirely sure I care?
Out of the box
June: Took Latin dance with a world champion and Dancing with the Stars guest dancer...and it was fabulous!
July: Who knows...maybe I'll get this trapeze thing together?
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
April Check In
--Work: I'm a regular for the AP position with SR. I'm applying for the AP position with FNS. Maybe I'll be able to work in some time at the WH?
--Life: Made additional payments on the loan. I don't know how regular the exercise is there, need to work on that one. I have no idea what I weigh at the moment.
--Skating: Competed at Philadelphia Areas and won both events! And landed flips in both! Spins of all things seem to be improving...I've started toying with the juvenile moves since I'm so tired of the others...Competition #2 will hopefully be in July.
--Signed up for online dating again...let's see how that goes. I'm hoping to do trapeze once it finally warms up again. And I think I found another thing to do...Irish language class? #nerd
--Life: Made additional payments on the loan. I don't know how regular the exercise is there, need to work on that one. I have no idea what I weigh at the moment.
--Skating: Competed at Philadelphia Areas and won both events! And landed flips in both! Spins of all things seem to be improving...I've started toying with the juvenile moves since I'm so tired of the others...Competition #2 will hopefully be in July.
--Signed up for online dating again...let's see how that goes. I'm hoping to do trapeze once it finally warms up again. And I think I found another thing to do...Irish language class? #nerd
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