Let it go

The whoosh of cold air as I open the rink door. The scrape of blades across the ice. The wind in my face racing around the clean fresh sheet of ice. The click of heels across the ballroom. The touch of my partner, pulling me closer until two bodies become one. The way my dress catches in the light. Being in control yet conceding all to someone else. Getting lost in the music, nothing else matters. Nothing can bother me, the catharsis of movement and expression. This, this is what I'm meant to do. 

I'm not confrontational, I'm not political, no more games, no more merry go round. No one ever said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard. As badly as I want to just walk away, there is something that is pulling me back. Have I truly given it everything? Am I meant to make it through? Or is it enough? But do I have enough in me to keep going? To put up with the drama and insecurities that go along with it? 

It may sound strange but I would be perfectly content to work midnight for quite some time. Strangely enough it would give me some sense of normalcy. There might be a chance of having a life with people my own age OUTSIDE of work. 

LOVE skating and dancing, I would do it professionally if I could. But there are very few people my own age and that leaves something lacking. I'm in this strange limbo world. 

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm content enough to move on from the feelings I have been having. It's more than a crush, definitely more. But I don't know that it will ever go anywhere, if it were I would definitely be open to pursuing it. But I can't sit and wait for what might be...no matter how badly I want it. 

When we dance, it just feels so perfect. I'm not thinking of anything I'm just letting him lead me and letting go in the moment. My hand in his, the closeness of our bodies and expression between each other, I can't help but think there is something or could be something. And all the gossip I hear about previous relationships isn't helping me put the thoughts out of my head.