Season of Changes

Well, it sure has been awhile. Since my last post, I finally landed an actual job! No more internships! It's not an actual salaried, vacation, benefits type job, but it has the potential to turn into that very quickly. So I moved back down about 3.5 weeks ago and started training. In my head I know it's a job and not an internship that will be over in 3 months, but it still doesn't seem real. It seems like someone will wake me up and I will be back to square 1 again. I know I'm doing a good job now, but at first it seemed a little scary to think that they trust me to be doing these things. I will be forever grateful to my friend K for passing my resume along and letting me crash with her until I found a place.

That's a whole 'nother story...it's almost as bad as trying to find a job. But here I am finally in an apartment, it's a very nice apartment with 2 roommates. But again it's one of those things that they don't teach you in school. There is no guidebook, no how-to method. This is the real world and you have to just close your eyes and dive in...and hope you don't crash into the bottom.

Let's see, in my first month, we've had an earthquake, a hurricane (with 2 more on the way), the 10th anniversary of 9/11, and the fall of Lybia/Syria??, and the continued ramping up of the next presidential campaign. I guess you could say I've started out with a bang.

I think part of why I can't actually believe I'm here is because this is not the way things are supposed to go. All the guidebooks and how-to books tell you to start small and get your feet wet before swimming into the big pool...well I like doing things my way I suppose...I've never done things the easy way so why start now? In some ways it does finally feel like life is moving forward again and it's nice to be surrounded by a group of colleagues who are around my age. It feels like our version of Gray's Anatomy...we are all going through the same things at the same time and actually have someone who truly gets it...though there aren't enough males to create the relationship drama like the show. Hopefully they continue to be impressed with my work and I can move up into permanent status soon enough :)

Do what makes you happy

It's so easy to say but not quite as easy to do. I just finished watching the Lifetime movie of JK Rowling's life. The similarities are striking. She knew exactly what she wanted to do but wasn't really sure how to go about it. Everyone told her it wasn't practical and she needed something more reliable. She was pleasing everyone else, it wasn't until rock bottom that she realized she had nothing to lose and finally made herself happy. 

Journalism is not a career you go into for fame and fortune. It is one of those "impractical" career choices, the crazy hours, low pay and unpredictability. But for those that follow that path do so to follow a passion, a desire that is worth more than a nice, fat paycheck. When you find something you love to do and it's one of those things that you just know is right. Words cannot quite capture the feeling. 

It's strangely similar to college selection. I visited several schools but when it was the one, I knew that I wouldn't be fully happy anywhere else and that it was the one place were I could get what I wanted out of the college experience. It didn't have what I thought I wanted, but had exactly what I didn't know I needed. When I look at other job openings or consider other locations, it just doesn't feel right. Some are definitely close but nothing is quite like DC. Looking back through old scrapbooks, I realized that this is in my blood, this is what I am and who I'm meant to be.

Go big or go home

After yet another day trip for another interview, I met with my contact there. She was awesome! It was really great to hear from someone who really knew the field and had been there done that. I realized I'm getting in my own way. If this is really what I want, then I have to be willing to take the plunge and just do it. No excuses! I honestly cannot picture myself anywhere else doing anything else. She has convinced me that I actually do have experience and that I actually could do this. It's to the point where I have looked at apartments online and mentally designed the rooms. Of course I'm way jumping the gun, at the minimum I'll have to have a roommate and won't be able to afford anything for a long time. Now I continue to wait...

Another one opens...or so I thought

Today was the big interview day with the senior editor at The NewsHour. I'm not sure what to think. I wasn't really nervous, but it wasn't really a normal interview. Obviously, I'm at least somewhat qualified, I mean I got the first interview. I made it out of the stack of hundreds of resumes, but now I've got to seal the deal. But at the same time it wasn't a typical interview, he was a little late, didn't really ask a lot if any questions and left in the middle of the interview. But he left to go get someone else to interview me for another position that just opened. This was the position I applied for first that got me the California documentary. I mean I'd love either position but I'd obviously prefer the permanent position with a salary that is sustainable. There really are no second chances with this one, I've got to pull out all the stops to prove that I'm worthy. Now the waiting game begins, who knows when I'll find out about the main position, but the other surprise one could start in less than a week!** Absolutely crazy, the turnaround time, packing, living arrangements. I've got to talk to Lisa about this. We are so much alike and I trust her judgment. I guess you could say I'm hopefully optimistic that the third time truly is the charm!

**(Note since this was written, I was officially rejected again.)

As one door closes...

Another chapter ends...not quite sure how I feel about that. This is the first internship/work experience where I really truly did not want to see it end. (And I pray it doesn’t truly ever end.) As crazy as it has been the last few weeks, I can honestly say I loved everything about it and everybody involved got along great. There were no weird feelings like there have been in the past. And as hard as it was to almost be “commuting” a couple hundred miles each week, it was totally worth it. I made some great network connections and honestly some great friends. They were all very real people without the “Washington” persona that can be so prevalent down here. I felt like I belonged and didn’t have to fight so hard to fit in. I’m definitely an old soul in that regard. I feel like I have so much more in common with these co-workers and employers who are closer in age to my parents than the co-workers and employers who are closer to my actual age.

Now I face the seemingly never-ending quest to figure out what comes next. Do I stay or do I go? Do I try to make a go of it as a grown up in the real world? Or do I wait until I have the job/apartment/whatever lined up and waiting for me? This is where actually acting my age would come in handy. The average 20-something would just kind of take the plunge without any responsibility to hold them back. I definitely don’t have the average 20-something mindset. I analyze everything to death. Honestly at this point, I don’t know what to do. I could find some job somewhere out in the middle of nowhere and work my way back to Washington, but nothing seems at all interesting. After making it nearly a year (off and on), I feel like I’ve earned my keep so to speak. Everyone says DC is the place to be and the place with all the jobs, which is true...if you have experience which is nearly impossible to get because no one will hire you to get experience. I can’t intern forever, freelance seems like it could have interesting possibilities but it also has a certain sense of uncertainty that I don’t know that I could handle 24/7/365. I have to figure out this internal battle between what my head says I should do and what my heart truly wants. Perhaps I need to just follow my heart and everything that my head says will just happen?

Dare to Dream and Find your Passion

Those are the messages I got from Dove chocolate wrappers over the weekend. It was perfect timing as I received an email the day before saying I was a semi-finalist for a job I could only dream about before. They wanted to do a phone interview/screening Monday (today). I honestly have no idea how it went. I was definitely nervous and not 100% prepared for some of the questions. As usual with me and interviews, after the fact I never remember what happened during the conversation. It just goes in one ear and out the other, maybe it's the nerves? Who knows, I shouldn't get that nervous though. Nothing says nerves quite like sell out stadiums or parades of the century. With this particular one, it was like the Holy Grail, the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, someone in some far away place that mere mortals never get to see much less talk to. All of a sudden I had every hope and dream for the last 4 years, heck for most of my life, flash before me. I would be back in a position where I couldn't wait to go to work each morning and love every minute of it. I may not be perfectly groomed for this position but obviously they see something in me if they still called regardless. Now if only to convince myself that it went fine and to somehow occupy my mind over the next two weeks of waiting.

Just a little bit longer

Still no luck. But I managed to get this 10 week position extended to 14 and now 16 weeks, which I suppose is a good thing. I also have a potential interview lined up for an actual job-job. I've come to realize that I may just have to deal with that for the time being. It is no where close to anything I dream of doing, but it would be permanent and in one of my desired locations. I'm so conflicted about life sometimes. I just wish I could turn my brain off and stop thinking and just start doing. Today was the royal wedding. I'll admit I wasn't that caught up in it until last night. And yes I attempted to get up and watch, I wasn't very successful only managed to see the end of the ceremony and processional out. But seriously who doesn't love a fairy tale? Can't we all be the fairy tale princess, even if it's just for one day? Can't we have that happy ending? Oh the dress...love me some wedding gowns :)

Some days I feel like I'm stuck in a quarter life crisis. Why can't I seem to get it together? I think it looks that way on the outside, but on the inside I just want to go back to being 18-19 and not having to worry about anything. Life was so much simpler while in school, and I keep thinking about going back, but they still haven't fully arranged the program and now I don't think they will get it up by the fall. I just don't. I'm tired of the waiting and wanting and hoping. But I just have to hold on a little bit longer, I suppose.