Alter egos

We all have them, a person we'd like to be, someone we look up, a persona to escape to when the real world gets to be too much. Our own version of Superman or Wonder Woman. For me that is ballroom. I am in a job I thought I'd love and most days I do, but it's not exactly what I pictured. 

While it has it's moments of excitement for the most part I am in cubicle land, stuck at a computer all day long. To the rest of the world it's the most exciting thing out there and it's this big awesome fascinating thing, but it's almost just a facade. There are these expectations that are quite different from the reality. 

And that was my reality for so long, my only reality, it's something I've wanted for years and was almost my destiny and I still want it. But something was missing. For so long I poured everything I had into it which is just not healthy. 

On a whim, I started dance and everything changed. Everything became a reference to dance, how many lessons could I get, how to save money on dresses, shoes. My demeanor changed, my body changed, my confidence and self esteem changed. I'm wearing things I never in a million years would have had the courage to wear. It did something that nothing else has ever done. 

By day, I'm the mild mannered office worker who clocks in and clocks out, but by night I transform. When I get to put on the eyelashes, makeup and dresses I don't recognize myself but it's a wonderful feeling, that feeling every little girl wants of being a princess swept off her feet by prince charming. It's a tiny glimpse into this fantasy world that not many people get to experience where everything is wonderful and magical. 

Even if everything in the rest of the world is going horribly wrong, for 45 minutes I put on my shoes on and everything disappears. It doesn't matter if I've had no sleep, the worst day at work, it all leaves the second I walk through those doors. 

2 days until my first showcase! 14 days until the first comp of the year! :) 

2015

So here we are again on the cusp of another new year. What will be different? What can I do to get what I want?

Here is last year's post. Did I meet these goals? 

--Work: Strangely enough I think I can say yes. And it came in way I didn't think was possible. I'm taking a chance that this is the catapult I need to my goals. 

--Life: Did I eliminate the student loan? No. But that's ok. By not meeting that part of the goal I was able to reach the other goal of being active in my own life and not letting things pass by. I actually took vacations this year! 

--Skating: I'm not sure when I'll meet this goal, but it is definitely on the bucket list. 

--Ballroom: Managed to survive the year without an actual studio and competed three times. Would love to take more lessons and compete more but that will come with time. 

So here goes goals by December 31, 2015: 

--Work: Continue the happiness. Move into more field work. 

--Life: Student loans. Vacations. Time to develop relationships outside of work. 

--Skating: Not sure where to go with this one. Perhaps Lake Placid camp? 

--Ballroom: This is where the focus is. Complete a showcase or two. Compete at Washington Open and VA State Championships. Maybe one more? I'd love to start moving to full bronze and beginning silver. 

This is my time and my story..."Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." 

Let it go

The whoosh of cold air as I open the rink door. The scrape of blades across the ice. The wind in my face racing around the clean fresh sheet of ice. The click of heels across the ballroom. The touch of my partner, pulling me closer until two bodies become one. The way my dress catches in the light. Being in control yet conceding all to someone else. Getting lost in the music, nothing else matters. Nothing can bother me, the catharsis of movement and expression. This, this is what I'm meant to do. 

I'm not confrontational, I'm not political, no more games, no more merry go round. No one ever said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard. As badly as I want to just walk away, there is something that is pulling me back. Have I truly given it everything? Am I meant to make it through? Or is it enough? But do I have enough in me to keep going? To put up with the drama and insecurities that go along with it? 

It may sound strange but I would be perfectly content to work midnight for quite some time. Strangely enough it would give me some sense of normalcy. There might be a chance of having a life with people my own age OUTSIDE of work. 

LOVE skating and dancing, I would do it professionally if I could. But there are very few people my own age and that leaves something lacking. I'm in this strange limbo world. 

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm content enough to move on from the feelings I have been having. It's more than a crush, definitely more. But I don't know that it will ever go anywhere, if it were I would definitely be open to pursuing it. But I can't sit and wait for what might be...no matter how badly I want it. 

When we dance, it just feels so perfect. I'm not thinking of anything I'm just letting him lead me and letting go in the moment. My hand in his, the closeness of our bodies and expression between each other, I can't help but think there is something or could be something. And all the gossip I hear about previous relationships isn't helping me put the thoughts out of my head. 

 

Curveballs

Life just keeps throwing curveballs. Seriously I was never good at baseball so this needs to stop. I spend the last 2 years and especially the last 6 months doing anything and everything I can to move along in the work place and it gets thrown back in my face. Why do I keep trying? Why? I was the best candidate for the position and they know it, but apparently I'm too reserved and calm for them...really? What does that even mean? You would think in a high pressure situation someone who can stay calm would be a bonus but I guess not, and they want to see growth beyond the position. WTH? I was already doing the position from the position below so I guess I was supposed to be doing two positions above me? Whatever...its a paycheck and nothing more at this point. 

Quite frankly its simply a means to do what I really love and that is skating and dancing :) If I could do that every day, I would be the happiest person on earth...there is just something magical about the wind in your face and the scrape of the blade across the ice that makes everything okay. And the smell of hairspray, the glitter and sparkles, and oh the feeling of flying around the ballroom is like a drug, I leave there feeling so high I can't get enough. How did I not discover this in college? We had a team after all...I just keep coming back for more and more, it's an odd hobby for someone my age that's for sure. But what girl doesn't love getting all dolled up and wearing sparkles all day? :) Not to mention getting whisked around by gorgeous foreign men...I mean come on now...

Yesterday was my competitive rhythm debut, that seems like an odd combo coming from me, the girl despite 15 years of musical experience always seriously lacked rhythm...this was so out of the ordinary for me but so awesome at the same time. I've always been the little adult in the room, always the mature one which is why I think smooth is typically more my style. But rhythm...I think I have my new love, internally I love it, the freedom to let loose and have fun, now I have to figure out how to consistently display that externally. 

Videos never lie! At moments it was like you know gosh darn it, I might get this performing thing down and then other moments I started thinking and getting in my own head. As strange as this sounds, it might actually be more beneficial for me to NOT have a routine and just have to be in the moment. If I have a routine I want to do each step perfectly and exactly how it was practiced but that's never the way it works when it counts.

In all seriousness though, life could throw anything at me but as long as I have these two things in my life it will be okay. I don't know if it was the shock of it all or what but skating after getting that news made everything go away. I could get lost in my bubble and nothing could bother me, no one could tell me know, it was just me and the ice for two hours of living in another world. A world where I could be me and not have to worry about putting up yet another front.

"Do you remember why you skate, or has it been too long? Somewhere behind the athlete you've become, behind the media and the hype, the rankings and the records, the hours of practice, the pain and bruises, the coaches who pushed you, there is a little girl who lived just for that chance to skate. So, before you put on that dress tonight, remember the little girl who put on her very first pair of skates, who fell in love with this sport the say she touched the ice and never looked back. Skate for her."

2 Months Down

--Work: Slowly learning despite what everyone in this town seems to think, there is more to life than that job..there is a reason they call it work. Come in, do the job, and then leave that bubble up on a hill for the real world. I love the people I work with, but CANNOT stand the people I work for..but I suppose that's all jobs right?  

--Life: Slowly chipping away at the loan, not sure yet when I'll take the plunge and just pay the whole damn thing off. 

--Exercise..I actually really like going to the gym..it is probably one of those things that helps get me out of the bubble. If it has been a rough day, rather than go eat a cookie, I'll take the frustration out on the elliptical. More or less I'm down there for almost an hour three times a week. Personal best pace so far..3.19 miles/33 minutes..or approx 10:20/mile. Related note, I have committed to taking photos of myself at the end of each month to monitor progress..not allow myself to get so caught up in a number. Don't know if I'll have the courage to do it, but I do own a bikini now...will have to see come summer if I decide to pull it off. 

--Skating: Nationals is on hold till next year...this year is about testing and adding speed and strength to everything. I'm hoping to have lessons back home every couple months. 

--Ballroom: I spend so much time worrying about saving money, paying off loans and being responsible...it's about time I pay myself first. Started private lessons again...I won't admit to anyone just how pricey they can be, but what price is my sanity? I really am in love with everything about it...yes that includes the teacher :) I would love for something to happen there, I really try and keep my cool, but it's hard...especially now in the privates, the only time we spend together is alone, just the two of us. He is so kind and considerate..and the conversations in the car are about anything and everything. My head says no, there's nothing, but my heart can't help but wonder..


This wraps the first chapter of 2014. Let's turn the page and see how the story unfolds... 

Bring it on 2014!

So here it goes, by December 31, 2013 I want to:

--Work: Promoted to AP/Field work at WH and Capitol Hill

--Life: Reduce remaining student loans by a third/Maintain regular exercise routine/Lose 36 lbs

--Skating: Pass Prejuvenile moves and preliminary freestyle by April 2013/Pass Juvenile moves/Axel?/Compete three times

This will be my year. My year to take control and not let anything stop me. Comfortable and easy won't get me anywhere I have to fight for what I want and take that chance. That same chance I took 16 months ago when I moved down here not really sure what I was getting myself into. The status quo has got to go. No more accepting life as it comes, it's time for me to change it. There is no in between. No risk, no reward, so here it goes, bring it on 2013!



Here's last year's post for the New Year. Was I successful? Depends on how you measure success. 

--Work: I have been doing AP work and I have gotten in the field. Was I promoted to AP? No not yet. 

--Life: Student loans are almost down to 4 digits, is that a third? No probably not. But I can say yes on the regular exercise routine...now I feel bad if I don't make it to the gym. 

--Skating: Took a bit of a back seat this year. And while yes I competed three times this year, two were skating and one was ballroom. 


So here goes goals by December 31, 2014: 

--Work: Find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to work the hours I do and the days I do. Something that makes the sacrifice worthwhile. 

--Life: Eliminate the last student loan. Lofty goal yes, but definitely doable. Continue the regular exercise routine. Be active in my own life, don't let things pass by. 

--Skating: I so want to compete at Adult Nationals if not 2014 definitely 2015..which is sort of a continuation of the previous statement, being active in my own life and actually take a vacation. The horrors I know! Find the passion again. Skate for the little girl in that magical moment who first stepped on the ice.

--Ballroom: This was my lifeline this past year. This was everything I needed but didn't know it at the time. It seems like such a strange thing..I crave control and I can't have any of that here. Yet it was so paradoxically perfect. Nothing was more perfect than a Tuesday night in the studio...what am I going to do now that they closed...

I sort of fell into the resolution trap last year even though I didn't mean too...this year is about living the best life. There really aren't tangible goals that can be written down to achieve that. It needs to be a year of living life for me and what I want..not what other people think I should be doing, being an active participant in this game of life. 


This is my time and my story..."Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

Falling all over life

Work: Hot mess as usual. It has gotten to the point where I have started applying elsewhere. I really wish it didn't come to this point but I don't know how much longer I  can deal with the complete dysfunction. It may be the same elsewhere but I feel like anywhere has to be better. I'm good enough to fill in, I'm good enough to train other people but I'm not good enough??? Why do I give up so much for nothing in return?

Skating:things seem to be ok. Hopefully I will get my act together for Nationals this year.

Other: since I can never seem to get weekends anymore might as well throw the extra money at the loan? Exercise seems to be part of the routine so at least there's that.

Ballroom: since the last time I actually competed!!! It was fantastic!!! I think I watched the video every night for like a week....if I could dance every day I would...it's the only place where I don't have to rely on doing every thing myself.I have learned how to put my full faith and trust in someone else and everything turned out ok...more than ok..fantastic!! 7 1st place ribbons and 1 2nd place. Honestly I get so much more out of it than just dancing. It opens me up to a whole world of feelings and emotions. Starting to think that there will not be anything between us but i can't help feeling the way i do....oh life why must you taunt me so??