Call me maybe?

The rush of the cold air. The scrape of the blade against the ice. The feel of the laces between my fingers. You’ve always been there. You’ve been my escape. You’ve been there through the good times and bad, the rejections and acceptance. You’ve been there since I was 6 years old.

The freedom of movement. Of getting lost in the music. Of not having a care in the world. Of pushing aside everything else for that feeling. That feeling of flying.

Even when I’ve left you for something else, you’ve always been there, just waiting, knowing that one day I’d come back. Come back to my first love. That unconditional, peaceful all enveloping love. Something that could be taken away forever in an instant.

Is it time for me to come back again? It’s a conflicted feeling knowing I’d have to give up a new love to return. But there’s a yearning deep down that the new love is struggling to fulfill.

I don’t want to wonder what if, but rather ask why not. “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.” So here I am one day post Adult Nationals 2017…let’s see if I have what it takes to make a run at Adult Nationals 2018.  

1)      Consistent gym routine

2)      Consistent on ice hours

3)      Test Adult Bronze Free by October? 

The year of the dirty thirty

This is a big year...turn the big 3-0...how'd I get that old???

--Work: Still in a good place. No more traveling at least not till the next election cycle. I was right that this election got VERY INTERESTING and VERY UNEXPECTED. This leads into the next section, but apparently I like work so much I start grad school this week to further pursue opportunities down the road. 

--Life: Undergrad students loans are PAID OFF! Just in time for me to start paying for grad school and moving into my OWN STUDIO APARTMENT! Starting a regular gym routine with the boy today! Being that 3-0 is the theme of this year, I'd love to run a 5k in under 30 minutes and lose about 30 pounds. It'll be 1 year with the boy in March :) 

--Skating: Haven't done much of my personal skating. Attempted to take baby skating at Christmas, she was so very excited to come with the big kids but once we tried to get her on the ice she just screamed. Maybe next year :) 

--Ballroom: Did 3 comps this year! Big one was Millennium. Consistently at silver rhythm, also threw in a crazy showcase. Sticking with the same 3 comp/1 showcase pattern but going back to smooth dances. 

--3-0 Bucket List: Aerial yoga, trapeze, adult ballet

----------------------------------
So let's see by December 31, 2016: 

--Work: It's honestly in a good place. First time in about 5 years I can say that. I'd LOVE to get more traveling but who knows. This election could get VERY interesting and perhaps lead to other opportunities. 

--Life: This is the year for the student loans! At least it's something I can control. Regular gym routine. Time to get buff, especially if I'm going to be a silver rhythm dancer. Trying to work on the relationship thing but it's not really going anywhere...

--Skating: Take baby skating when she's big enough! See how the part time job goes and maybe start coaching a bit?? 

--Ballroom: 3 comps again this year. We'll wait and see which 3, I was planning to stay local this year but there are some interesting possibilities out there that may shift things. I want to place consistently in silver (and hopefully be contested most of the time). Perhaps start toying with gold by the end of the year?? Maybe in a showcase. 

Is this the beginning of the rest of my life?

Wow, what can I say, a lot of things have changed in just a few months since my last post. I've done 2 dance competitions so far both at silver level! I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the routines and more comfortable with the improv that tends to happen from time to time. 

As quickly as I started the second job at the rink I decided it would be best to leave. While it was fun for the most part, there was enough that made me decide it would be best to part ways and return to just be a skater instead of an employee. Plus the whole working 7 days a week thing wasn't going to last forever. 

Perhaps the biggest and most exciting piece of news is in the relationship department...I'm not quite sure what this is called at this point but whatever it is, it's good :) I figured give the online dating thing one more try on a newer platform. Guy 1 had some promise but clearly I was more interested than he was. Guy 2 was clearly more interested in things that I wasn't going to pursue on a first date. Guy 3...I guess third time's the charm? 

It was intriguing that he opted for dinner for the first date instead of the usual "meet and drink" scenario. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, he had changed his look several times from the initial profile picture. I wouldn't say sparks flew or anything like that but it wasn't bad either. He seemed really nervous but interesting enough to give him a second chance when he asked. I figured maybe if he was in a more natural comfortable habitat he'd be a little less nervous. 

Date 2 was at a rock climbing gym. Again an intriguing choice. This was also a fascinating test in trust because once we got to the big walls I was the only climbing as he was the only one trained to belay the ropes. He was definitely more at ease overall which was nice to see. After climbing for awhile we headed to dinner and just talked. It was a bit surreal, sure there were other people around us but I didn't really notice. It was almost like they were all blurry and just the two of us were in focus. 

At this point I've lost track of the dates since then, but we've gone skating, dancing, gymnastics class, acroyoga, to the movies twice!, had each other over for dinner and started meeting some of each other's friends. 

I'm not sure what I am, I don't want to say conflicted because that's not the right word. But I guess I just want to be sure this is right. Dating life in the big city usually yields more horror stories than anything else. So how could I have figured it out on guy 3? We've talked every day since we first matched online and it just seems easy. I think we're both just ourselves and it's ok. There's none of the games about what to say, how to say it or when to say it. It just is. 

Now when we go 3 or 4 days without seeing each other, I get a little butterfly when I know we have plans again. Could it be "The One"? That thought has definitely crossed my mind. But I think it crosses every girl's mind. He either is "The One" or not, the odds are 50/50. It's different having someone so interested in me and not the other way around. He initiates most conversation, he takes care of most outings. He respects my boundaries so far and hopefully will continue to do so. Perhaps most telling of all, he makes me feel safe. Like nothing can go wrong and I don't have to worry about any wandering eyes. And he's the one that continually talks about the future, I don't mean "The One" sort of future, but like 5-6 months down the road.

But until we figure that out, it's been a pretty awesome ride these last 2.5 months and hopefully this ride will keep going for the foreseeable future. 

"This is the beginning of anything you want."

So here goes goals by December 31, 2015: 

--Work: Continue the happiness. Move into more field work. 

--Life: Student loans. Vacations. Time to develop relationships outside of work. 

--Skating: Not sure where to go with this one. Perhaps Lake Placid camp? 

--Ballroom: This is where the focus is. Complete a showcase or two. Compete at Washington Open and VA State Championships. Maybe one more? I'd love to start moving to full bronze and beginning silver. 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hello blog world! Long time no see! But I'm back. It was sort of emotional to read my last post. I wouldn't say I was in a bad place perse, but I was definitely in a place I didn't want to be with seemingly no way out. There's been quite a few changes since then but quite a few things have stayed the same. Looking back at my goals for 2015 life certainly veered in many directions I never could have imagined. As the great Woody Allen once said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." Well Woody, God's certainly been getting a few chuckles out of me. 

I managed to switch departments but stay with the same company in June 2015. It's a department that didn't exist until then so I was diving in blind. Something I used to hate to do but I've gotten much better at since starting dance. But quite frankly in some way it might be the best thing that could have happened. The timing was perfect to get out of the toxic space I was in previously. Is it everything I've been wanting and picturing for nearly 10 years? No. Is it a long term solution? No. But it may be a medium term solution. I've gotten more recognition for my work in the last 6 months than the previous 3.75 years combined. And strangely enough I got to do field work, something I figured was over given the switch. Maybe more to come? Who knows. 

My life goals morphed into other areas. The student loans didn't happen but that's ok, it allowed me to live and go on the vacations. The vacations I combined with dancing! Still trying to figure out the relationships thing...

Skating has mostly morphed into a fun activity and I've added a very part time job at the rink, so yay more income to pay for dance! Double yay for free public skating as a rink employee! I keep toying with the idea of doing Easterns, it's practically in my backyard but I just don't know. I'm waiting for Nationals to be in Lake Placid...

Dance. Oh what a year it's been! I did my first showcase! In a very revealing dress...and lived to tell the tale. I did compete at Washington Open but no VA State. That's because I opted to go international and compete in Montreal and later Puerto Rico. Yes I am now an international ballroom dancer! Not only that...I started competing silver in Puerto Rico! We've started revamping some of the silver routines to make them flow a little easier and add more technique. But I'm officially a silver rhythm dancer. Who would have thunk it?! Maybe this year add silver smooth? 

So let's see by December 31, 2016: 

--Work: It's honestly in a good place. First time in about 5 years I can say that. I'd LOVE to get more traveling but who knows. This election could get VERY interesting and perhaps lead to other opportunities. 

--Life: This is the year for the student loans! At least it's something I can control. Regular gym routine. Time to get buff, especially if I'm going to be a silver rhythm dancer. Trying to work on the relationship thing but it's not really going anywhere...

--Skating: Take baby skating when she's big enough! See how the part time job goes and maybe start coaching a bit?? 

--Ballroom: 3 comps again this year. We'll wait and see which 3, I was planning to stay local this year but there are some interesting possibilities out there that may shift things. I want to place consistently in silver (and hopefully be contested most of the time). Perhaps start toying with gold by the end of the year?? Maybe in a showcase. 

Alter egos

We all have them, a person we'd like to be, someone we look up, a persona to escape to when the real world gets to be too much. Our own version of Superman or Wonder Woman. For me that is ballroom. I am in a job I thought I'd love and most days I do, but it's not exactly what I pictured. 

While it has it's moments of excitement for the most part I am in cubicle land, stuck at a computer all day long. To the rest of the world it's the most exciting thing out there and it's this big awesome fascinating thing, but it's almost just a facade. There are these expectations that are quite different from the reality. 

And that was my reality for so long, my only reality, it's something I've wanted for years and was almost my destiny and I still want it. But something was missing. For so long I poured everything I had into it which is just not healthy. 

On a whim, I started dance and everything changed. Everything became a reference to dance, how many lessons could I get, how to save money on dresses, shoes. My demeanor changed, my body changed, my confidence and self esteem changed. I'm wearing things I never in a million years would have had the courage to wear. It did something that nothing else has ever done. 

By day, I'm the mild mannered office worker who clocks in and clocks out, but by night I transform. When I get to put on the eyelashes, makeup and dresses I don't recognize myself but it's a wonderful feeling, that feeling every little girl wants of being a princess swept off her feet by prince charming. It's a tiny glimpse into this fantasy world that not many people get to experience where everything is wonderful and magical. 

Even if everything in the rest of the world is going horribly wrong, for 45 minutes I put on my shoes on and everything disappears. It doesn't matter if I've had no sleep, the worst day at work, it all leaves the second I walk through those doors. 

2 days until my first showcase! 14 days until the first comp of the year! :) 

2015

So here we are again on the cusp of another new year. What will be different? What can I do to get what I want?

Here is last year's post. Did I meet these goals? 

--Work: Strangely enough I think I can say yes. And it came in way I didn't think was possible. I'm taking a chance that this is the catapult I need to my goals. 

--Life: Did I eliminate the student loan? No. But that's ok. By not meeting that part of the goal I was able to reach the other goal of being active in my own life and not letting things pass by. I actually took vacations this year! 

--Skating: I'm not sure when I'll meet this goal, but it is definitely on the bucket list. 

--Ballroom: Managed to survive the year without an actual studio and competed three times. Would love to take more lessons and compete more but that will come with time. 

So here goes goals by December 31, 2015: 

--Work: Continue the happiness. Move into more field work. 

--Life: Student loans. Vacations. Time to develop relationships outside of work. 

--Skating: Not sure where to go with this one. Perhaps Lake Placid camp? 

--Ballroom: This is where the focus is. Complete a showcase or two. Compete at Washington Open and VA State Championships. Maybe one more? I'd love to start moving to full bronze and beginning silver. 

This is my time and my story..."Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." 

Let it go

The whoosh of cold air as I open the rink door. The scrape of blades across the ice. The wind in my face racing around the clean fresh sheet of ice. The click of heels across the ballroom. The touch of my partner, pulling me closer until two bodies become one. The way my dress catches in the light. Being in control yet conceding all to someone else. Getting lost in the music, nothing else matters. Nothing can bother me, the catharsis of movement and expression. This, this is what I'm meant to do. 

I'm not confrontational, I'm not political, no more games, no more merry go round. No one ever said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard. As badly as I want to just walk away, there is something that is pulling me back. Have I truly given it everything? Am I meant to make it through? Or is it enough? But do I have enough in me to keep going? To put up with the drama and insecurities that go along with it? 

It may sound strange but I would be perfectly content to work midnight for quite some time. Strangely enough it would give me some sense of normalcy. There might be a chance of having a life with people my own age OUTSIDE of work. 

LOVE skating and dancing, I would do it professionally if I could. But there are very few people my own age and that leaves something lacking. I'm in this strange limbo world. 

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm content enough to move on from the feelings I have been having. It's more than a crush, definitely more. But I don't know that it will ever go anywhere, if it were I would definitely be open to pursuing it. But I can't sit and wait for what might be...no matter how badly I want it. 

When we dance, it just feels so perfect. I'm not thinking of anything I'm just letting him lead me and letting go in the moment. My hand in his, the closeness of our bodies and expression between each other, I can't help but think there is something or could be something. And all the gossip I hear about previous relationships isn't helping me put the thoughts out of my head. 

 

Curveballs

Life just keeps throwing curveballs. Seriously I was never good at baseball so this needs to stop. I spend the last 2 years and especially the last 6 months doing anything and everything I can to move along in the work place and it gets thrown back in my face. Why do I keep trying? Why? I was the best candidate for the position and they know it, but apparently I'm too reserved and calm for them...really? What does that even mean? You would think in a high pressure situation someone who can stay calm would be a bonus but I guess not, and they want to see growth beyond the position. WTH? I was already doing the position from the position below so I guess I was supposed to be doing two positions above me? Whatever...its a paycheck and nothing more at this point. 

Quite frankly its simply a means to do what I really love and that is skating and dancing :) If I could do that every day, I would be the happiest person on earth...there is just something magical about the wind in your face and the scrape of the blade across the ice that makes everything okay. And the smell of hairspray, the glitter and sparkles, and oh the feeling of flying around the ballroom is like a drug, I leave there feeling so high I can't get enough. How did I not discover this in college? We had a team after all...I just keep coming back for more and more, it's an odd hobby for someone my age that's for sure. But what girl doesn't love getting all dolled up and wearing sparkles all day? :) Not to mention getting whisked around by gorgeous foreign men...I mean come on now...

Yesterday was my competitive rhythm debut, that seems like an odd combo coming from me, the girl despite 15 years of musical experience always seriously lacked rhythm...this was so out of the ordinary for me but so awesome at the same time. I've always been the little adult in the room, always the mature one which is why I think smooth is typically more my style. But rhythm...I think I have my new love, internally I love it, the freedom to let loose and have fun, now I have to figure out how to consistently display that externally. 

Videos never lie! At moments it was like you know gosh darn it, I might get this performing thing down and then other moments I started thinking and getting in my own head. As strange as this sounds, it might actually be more beneficial for me to NOT have a routine and just have to be in the moment. If I have a routine I want to do each step perfectly and exactly how it was practiced but that's never the way it works when it counts.

In all seriousness though, life could throw anything at me but as long as I have these two things in my life it will be okay. I don't know if it was the shock of it all or what but skating after getting that news made everything go away. I could get lost in my bubble and nothing could bother me, no one could tell me know, it was just me and the ice for two hours of living in another world. A world where I could be me and not have to worry about putting up yet another front.

"Do you remember why you skate, or has it been too long? Somewhere behind the athlete you've become, behind the media and the hype, the rankings and the records, the hours of practice, the pain and bruises, the coaches who pushed you, there is a little girl who lived just for that chance to skate. So, before you put on that dress tonight, remember the little girl who put on her very first pair of skates, who fell in love with this sport the say she touched the ice and never looked back. Skate for her."

2 Months Down

--Work: Slowly learning despite what everyone in this town seems to think, there is more to life than that job..there is a reason they call it work. Come in, do the job, and then leave that bubble up on a hill for the real world. I love the people I work with, but CANNOT stand the people I work for..but I suppose that's all jobs right?  

--Life: Slowly chipping away at the loan, not sure yet when I'll take the plunge and just pay the whole damn thing off. 

--Exercise..I actually really like going to the gym..it is probably one of those things that helps get me out of the bubble. If it has been a rough day, rather than go eat a cookie, I'll take the frustration out on the elliptical. More or less I'm down there for almost an hour three times a week. Personal best pace so far..3.19 miles/33 minutes..or approx 10:20/mile. Related note, I have committed to taking photos of myself at the end of each month to monitor progress..not allow myself to get so caught up in a number. Don't know if I'll have the courage to do it, but I do own a bikini now...will have to see come summer if I decide to pull it off. 

--Skating: Nationals is on hold till next year...this year is about testing and adding speed and strength to everything. I'm hoping to have lessons back home every couple months. 

--Ballroom: I spend so much time worrying about saving money, paying off loans and being responsible...it's about time I pay myself first. Started private lessons again...I won't admit to anyone just how pricey they can be, but what price is my sanity? I really am in love with everything about it...yes that includes the teacher :) I would love for something to happen there, I really try and keep my cool, but it's hard...especially now in the privates, the only time we spend together is alone, just the two of us. He is so kind and considerate..and the conversations in the car are about anything and everything. My head says no, there's nothing, but my heart can't help but wonder..


This wraps the first chapter of 2014. Let's turn the page and see how the story unfolds... 

Bring it on 2014!

So here it goes, by December 31, 2013 I want to:

--Work: Promoted to AP/Field work at WH and Capitol Hill

--Life: Reduce remaining student loans by a third/Maintain regular exercise routine/Lose 36 lbs

--Skating: Pass Prejuvenile moves and preliminary freestyle by April 2013/Pass Juvenile moves/Axel?/Compete three times

This will be my year. My year to take control and not let anything stop me. Comfortable and easy won't get me anywhere I have to fight for what I want and take that chance. That same chance I took 16 months ago when I moved down here not really sure what I was getting myself into. The status quo has got to go. No more accepting life as it comes, it's time for me to change it. There is no in between. No risk, no reward, so here it goes, bring it on 2013!



Here's last year's post for the New Year. Was I successful? Depends on how you measure success. 

--Work: I have been doing AP work and I have gotten in the field. Was I promoted to AP? No not yet. 

--Life: Student loans are almost down to 4 digits, is that a third? No probably not. But I can say yes on the regular exercise routine...now I feel bad if I don't make it to the gym. 

--Skating: Took a bit of a back seat this year. And while yes I competed three times this year, two were skating and one was ballroom. 


So here goes goals by December 31, 2014: 

--Work: Find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to work the hours I do and the days I do. Something that makes the sacrifice worthwhile. 

--Life: Eliminate the last student loan. Lofty goal yes, but definitely doable. Continue the regular exercise routine. Be active in my own life, don't let things pass by. 

--Skating: I so want to compete at Adult Nationals if not 2014 definitely 2015..which is sort of a continuation of the previous statement, being active in my own life and actually take a vacation. The horrors I know! Find the passion again. Skate for the little girl in that magical moment who first stepped on the ice.

--Ballroom: This was my lifeline this past year. This was everything I needed but didn't know it at the time. It seems like such a strange thing..I crave control and I can't have any of that here. Yet it was so paradoxically perfect. Nothing was more perfect than a Tuesday night in the studio...what am I going to do now that they closed...

I sort of fell into the resolution trap last year even though I didn't mean too...this year is about living the best life. There really aren't tangible goals that can be written down to achieve that. It needs to be a year of living life for me and what I want..not what other people think I should be doing, being an active participant in this game of life. 


This is my time and my story..."Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

Falling all over life

Work: Hot mess as usual. It has gotten to the point where I have started applying elsewhere. I really wish it didn't come to this point but I don't know how much longer I  can deal with the complete dysfunction. It may be the same elsewhere but I feel like anywhere has to be better. I'm good enough to fill in, I'm good enough to train other people but I'm not good enough??? Why do I give up so much for nothing in return?

Skating:things seem to be ok. Hopefully I will get my act together for Nationals this year.

Other: since I can never seem to get weekends anymore might as well throw the extra money at the loan? Exercise seems to be part of the routine so at least there's that.

Ballroom: since the last time I actually competed!!! It was fantastic!!! I think I watched the video every night for like a week....if I could dance every day I would...it's the only place where I don't have to rely on doing every thing myself.I have learned how to put my full faith and trust in someone else and everything turned out ok...more than ok..fantastic!! 7 1st place ribbons and 1 2nd place. Honestly I get so much more out of it than just dancing. It opens me up to a whole world of feelings and emotions. Starting to think that there will not be anything between us but i can't help feeling the way i do....oh life why must you taunt me so??

August

QUOTE: "Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life." 

Work: I get it. I really do. The first few years of a career are all about paying dues and all that. I've put in two solid years of dedication and commitment and right now it just feels like getting walked all over. I hold out this hope that things are finally going to be moving for me in November but right now that feels like a lifetime away.

Skating: Sort of taken a back seat for the moment unfortunately. I really need to get back on a regular basis. I think that is part of my moodiness, I really do. 

Life: Still no trapeze but ballroom is taking off. I'm competing...what did I get myself into. I'm completely in love with it..and the teacher too..I've never felt like this about someone ever. The butterflies doing backflips when I talk to him, the feeling when I'm in his arms dancing...I wish I this would turn into something. Sometimes I think the feelings might be mutual but for the life of me cannot tell. I'm so bad at this.

Oh do I wish...I mean he is the perfect guy, anything and everything I could ever imagine. I want something to finally go my way, I want that happily ever after. 

June and July

Work
-on the verge of major breakthrough I just know it! Pretty awesome when the ultimate boss says "looks good". :)

Skating 
-who knew...started landing flips, by themselves and in combination
-who knew...camel spins, by themselves and in combination
-everything else is definitely faster, higher, and stronger
-competition at the end of the month and hopefully a test late summer/early fall 

Life 
-student loans are under $12K, wohoo! 
-no idea where the weight goal stands...and not entirely sure I care? 

Out of the box 
June: Took Latin dance with a world champion and Dancing with the Stars guest dancer...and it was fabulous! 

July: Who knows...maybe I'll get this trapeze thing together?

April Check In

--Work: I'm a regular for the AP position with SR. I'm applying for the AP position with FNS. Maybe I'll be able to work in some time at the WH? 

--Life: Made additional payments on the loan. I don't know how regular the exercise is there, need to work on that one. I have no idea what I weigh at the moment. 

--Skating: Competed at Philadelphia Areas and won both events! And landed flips in both! Spins of all things seem to be improving...I've started toying with the juvenile moves since I'm so tired of the others...Competition #2 will hopefully be in July. 

--Signed up for online dating again...let's see how that goes. I'm hoping to do trapeze once it finally warms up again. And I think I found another thing to do...Irish language class? #nerd

March Check In

It's been a weird time. A lot of self reflection and a lot of other people wanting my time and energy and at a certain point I have to say no, I have to please myself first before I please anyone else. I started writing here because I thought no one would understand, no one would get it. Boy was I wrong. Here's a quote from a friend's blog that puts into words exactly how I feel.

"I'm so young and feel lightyears past many people my age and older. Ignorance may be bliss but I'd rather feel life, live the ups and downs with my realistic, idealist perspective than be numb to it all. It's because I know how the low's feel that makes the high points in life so amazing. It's knowing the natural high happiness brigs that makes me pick myself up out of the low points." 

As much as I want to grow up and move on to the next stage of life, it seems so far away. But situations in life may be forcing my hand in that regard. Things that I shouldn't have to deal with, things that someone so much older than me should be facing, not me. I'm still trying to figure out how to be myself let alone handle others' problems. It's not my time, but I guess the world has other ideas.

Work: I got to field produce! I was definitely thrown into the deep end on this one, and it appears I was able to swim. It was an insanely long day but well worth it. Very strange though, the other stations seemed to think I knew what was up, listen dude, you've been doing this longer than I've been alive and I've been doing it for all of four hours, so yeah. 

AND I was able to start learning the AP job for SR! FINALLY! It appears I will be learning the AP jobs for the other shows over the next couple months too. Kind of out of the blue, but still kind of cool. Hopefully these experiences will put me on the track toward my goals.

Skating: Tested prejuvenile moves, but got a retry again. Way better than last time, didn't fall! But those darn 3 turns are clearly my nemesis. My coach here seems to think I should switch to adult track, I really have no desire to do so. Why would I at this point? And eventually I would be switched back to standard anyway. Definite best case of reverse psychology, but I don't think she realizes it. I'm the wrong person to tell no to, I find a way around, always have and always will.

Life: Well, the maintaining regular exercise routine has sort of worked. The weight loss appears to have stalled and maybe reversed slightly..too much Easter candy, oops. Progress will be made on the student loans..as soon as I figure out what my account password was, again oops. 

The first quarter of the year is in the books. Bring it on second quarter!

February In Review

Alright, alright, I know I'm a little behind, but hey better late than never right? 

This month's quote is "Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." --Earl Nightingale 

Work: Well I took the bull by horns and just went for. Today was awesome running around on the Hill. This is why I moved here, this. Not to be stuck in an office all day every day. To look out the window and be so close, well finally I just had enough. I had to bring it to life rather than just on TV. If I don't advocate for myself who will? 

Life: Well it appears I screwed something up on my loan, need to get that sorted out. Down a jean size! Granted they are stretchy curvy fit, but hey a size down is a size down. I have no clue what that means in terms of poundage. 

Skating: Started trying flip-toe loops and they sort of actually worked! Back spins are more consistent in terms of spinning, correct edge is still a little off. Provided I actually get the vacation days, I'm testing at the end of the month and possibly competing. Yikes!

Something out of the box: Online dating. It was fun, only yielded one real life date which wasn't very good unfortunately. But hey I tried. 

New Year

DREAMS reflected with inaction will sour the soul. SOAR to your passion & SPARKLE in it. ASPIRE to INSPIRE. GO. 

Month 1 Check in: 

Work: Vocal about where I want to go and what I want to do. Things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Life: Not much action on the student loan part yet. Somewhat regular exercise routine. Will hopefully become very regular with my new schedule.

Skating: Aiming to test moves in March and compete in April. Freestyle is coming along, landing consistent loops and semi consistent flips. Back spins are also semi there. Testing in March may be pushing it a little bit. But there is still time. 

Something out of the box: I have started ballroom dancing. And I love it! Who would have thought? I think ballet class might be next. 

Dreams for 2013

I'm not going down the route of New Year's Resolutions...not going to fall into that trap. A wise friend said:

"As you're thinking about 2013 approaching...I challenge you to skip the resolutions, and think GOALS and DREAMS...and WRITE THEM DOWN. With a deadline. Dreams are a written goal with a deadline. I promise you, it's magical and it really works. :)"

So here it goes, by December 31, 2013 I want to:

--Work: Promoted to AP/Field work at WH and Capitol Hill

--Life: Reduce remaining student loans by a third/Maintain regular exercise routine/Lose 36 lbs

--Skating: Pass Prejuvenile moves and preliminary freestyle by April 2013/Pass Juvenile moves/Axel?/Compete three times

This will be my year. My year to take control and not let anything stop me. Comfortable and easy won't get me anywhere I have to fight for what I want and take that chance. That same chance I took 16 months ago when I moved down here not really sure what I was getting myself into. The status quo has got to go. No more accepting life as it comes, it's time for me to change it. There is no in between. No risk, no reward, so here it goes, bring it on 2013!

Contemplation...

It has been a whirlwind the past few weeks. We've survived both conventions and now the games really begin. It was really hard to be left behind, it must be what the athletes who come in 4th at the Olympic Trials feel like. You are so close to everything you ever could have dreamed of you can taste it. You know exactly what will happen and when it will happen, you know the dedication and passion that brought you oh so close yet so far. Everything in you is screaming, I should be there, why am I not there? 

I know it is not my time quite yet and I simply have to be patient and wait my turn. But I don't want to, I want it to be now. It is hard to hear other people talk about how unhappy they seem to be, when on the inside I am screaming, I will do it! You have no clue how good you have it. You have no clue what it feels like to think nobody wants you, to think that maybe this wasn't a good idea. I am in a town of type A personalities just like me and we all want more we all are driven and successful. They have no clue what I had to do to get to where I am now. But now that I'm here I want more, go big or go home. 

I went to a skating show over the weekend. It was wonderful! My first time back at the rink in about a month. It showed me the joy and passion out there. This is the one place where I have no worries, no responsibilities, nothing getting in my way. To meet an icon of the sport like I did was absolutely unreal! 

And to see the simplest of movements glide across the ice so powerfully, it reminded me why I fell in love with this crazy sport in the first place. The simple glide, the rip of the blade, the feeling of flying, the wind across my face, there is nothing better. Just give me a piece of the ice and I am in my own world and very happy. Sure I would love more, but you know what? I work with what I have and that is okay.  

Seriously?!?

Ugh..rough day at work today. Something pretty major slipped through the cracks and it feels like its all my fault...but there are about 17 other sets of eyes that are supposed to double check. The long and the short of it, I'm in charge of a bunch of incompetent, lying fools who lack the ability to think independently. I'm not their mother, nor should I have to be. These are grown adults, some of them have been doing this job longer than I've been alive, but now I'm the scapegoat? 

I understand this was an epic fail on many levels, but it never occurred to you that there was a problem when it was up on preview? Meanwhile, I've got people in my ear wanting things I can't be in 6 places at once. This was supposed to be the fun, cool job...not really. It is very much a clique that I'm not part of because of the rotation between people. 

I should have just stayed on vacation...